Due to recent bouts of extreme depression, I’m tinkering with my dosage of Effexor. When I increase dosages, I usually get anywhere from a few days to a few weeks of feeling like I’ve finally found the end-all cure. While I’m no longer naive enough to think that’s true, it is nice to feel sane and stable for a short amount of time. It makes me wonder if this is what other people feel like all the time…
Today’s normally-maddening events have included the following:
- The kids are grumpy. One’s losing a tooth so she’s anticipating pain and avoiding food; the other is unaware that he’s 4 and continues to pitch terrible-twos fits: screaming, whaling, unreasonable, abject misery sort of fits. But hey, thanks to increasing my medication, I can take it with a grain of salt, think to myself, someday they’ll grow up and quit doing this. It will be fine; just let it pass, Tim! Normally these things lead me to wonder how much longer I can put up with feeling trapped and, often, miserable. I start wondering what bad habits I can pick up that will ensure I’m dead by 55…you know those sorts of things that everyone thinks, right? Probably not.
- My wife was on the brink of tears this morning what with the kids behavior. But not to worry! Super Tim is feeling sane enough to comfort his wife and tell her he’ll handle the kids so she can have some mental space to get her usually-steady wits about her. Ahhh, how nice it felt to treat her the way I want to treat her when she struggles…to treat her how I want others to treat me when I struggle. Thank you, increased dosage of Effexor!
- The pastor at church referenced the ISIS situation in Iraq and asks us to pray for the situation (what does it say about God if he only responds to these crises if we pray?! But never mind that). Ann turns to me and tells me that Iraqi children are being beheaded in the streets. Not only do these horrors send me to the brink of despair, but add in a little “let’s-pray-to-a-god-who-supposedly-cares-about-this-but-refuses-to-stop-children’s-beheadings-for-some-reason-that’s-for-a-greater-good-we-can’t-see-sucks-for-us” and I’m ready for the giant meteor to land on me as God’s punishment for how angry I am at him, for how unfair it all is, and for the fact that I seem to care more than he does.” But not today! Today this situation was a small, sad blip in my brain. I didn’t figure out it’s grander meaning, but I was okay with that. The mental ship that started to keel over was able to right itself, and I remained stable and sane even in the face of the bullshit that is life’s remarkable uncertainty and unfairness.
Who knows? Maybe this is what sane people feel most of the time when faced with frustrations, but I know it’s not how I usually deal with them. Whether for a day, a week, or a month, thank you Effexor for this sensible, stable brain you’ve given me. I’ll try to just enjoy it while it’s here.